I have two sons, Christian and Connor.
Connor is my youngest at eight years-old. He is so naturally talented at most things, that my husband and I spend a lot of time looking at each other wondering where he came from. He was reading the TV at two, memorizing his time tables at six, and winning his soccer games almost single handedly by seven. He doesn't really have to study or practice, he just shows up and shines.
Christian, on the other hand, works his butt off to get the same results. He has to study and read and re-study and practice to get the results he wants. He puts hours into practicing soccer to get the same results as his brother gets with very little practice. He has to read for two hours to get through the same amount of pages his brother reads in thirty minutes. He puts out so much effort for the exact same reward.
It is frustrating for him.
All I can do is agree with him. It might be difficult having Connor as a brother when you are only one year apart and very competitive.
But here is what I have noticed....
Christian knows how to work. That boy can work hard. He has a work ethic that will carry him very far in this life. He is determined to be the best he can be and he is willing to put in the time and effort to make sure that happens.
I try to explain to him what a gift this is. I try to teach him that working hard and accomplishing things on your own sweat is what creates the best feeling in the world: pride. He gets to own his accomplishments from a deeper place because he worked so hard for them. He is developing his "overcome" muscles. He is learning to manage his emotions and not let them manage him. He is building the tools to put in a tool belt that will serve him as a man.
Connor has a much harder time when faced with an obstacle. He is so used to being the best with so little effort, that when he isn't "winning" he has a complete fit. He doesn't see that as a cue to work harder, he sees it as a cue that something has gone wrong. He is much more apt to quit. He is much more prone to acting out his emotions in self-destructive ways.
I try to teach Connor the tools I know so he can overcome his life's obstacles. I coach him. I explain to him that if he can take his natural talent and combine it with a work ethic, there will be very little he can't do in this life. It is much harder for him to understand. His experience and belief system supports things coming easy.
As I watch my boys, who are so very different, I am fascinated. I know adults who have similiar struggles. I have clients who share similiar beliefs. As I think about this, I am determined to find a way to teach both of my kids the value of hard work. Working hard for yourself and something you believe in is powerful stuff. It feels amazing. It develops your character.
I am not talking about struggle. I am not talking about the kind of work that spins you in circles and feels defeating. I am talking about not feeling sorry for yourself when it doesn't come easily. I talking about being grateful when you accomplish something that took a bit more effort than the next person to accomplish.
The truth is...you don't know what went into anyone's accomplishment.
The other day, someone told Christian he was the best nine-year-old goalie they had ever seen. They said, "It must be wonderful to have so much talent at such a young age."
Little did they know. Christian made his talent. He created it with hours of practice and very hard work.
When is the last time you looked at someone with "talent" or "success" and thought how nice it must be for them to have so much?
Did you chalk it up to luck or genetics or brains?
Might have just been some old fashioned hard work.
Hard work feels good.
If you aren't already, you should try it.
