Brooke Castillo's Blog

My Lifetime of Deliberate Practice

I often get emails asking me how I know what I know and do what I do.  I usually reply the same answer to everyone, so I thought I would share it with anyone else who wonders about me as a coach.

I have spent my life reading self help books.  My first memory of getting hooked was when I was 15 years old and breaking up with my boyfriend.  I was in excruciating emotional pain because of unprocessed pain from my childhood.  I went to the bookstore and bought Robin Norwood's book, "Women Who Love Too Much."  I started reading it in the tub that evening and didn't stop until the book was done and the water was cold.  That book gave me tremendous relief.  I immediately felt a deep love for Robin, who clearly understood my pain.  I was not alone.

Since that day, I have made it a life-long habit to go to the bookstore when I feel any type of emotional pain.  This habit of "reading for relief" eventually turned into the habit of "reading for any dang reason at all." I mostly read non-fiction, self help, and psychology.  I have also been known to read a business book on the side.  Authors have become my mentors, friends, confidants and saviors.

Now, you must know, when I read a book I really read it.  I read it, underline it, think about it, question it, apply it, and live it for a while.  I suspend my judgment on most ideas until I have tried them out for myself.  I do the worksheets, practice the practices, and consider the concepts on a deep level.  Many times I end up integrating the practices into my life and other times I toss out ideas that don't resonate with the way I live my life.

It always amuses me when someone, who has read my book, writes me and tells me it isn't working- as if my book could do the work for them.  When I reply and ask if they are keeping the journals or writing down the thoughts, I am never surprised when they send back their list of excuses.

Knowledge not applied can't change your life.

But, take it from me, if you apply the knowledge that resonates with you from each book you read;  you will have the life of your dreams before you know it.  Let others who have gone before you show you the way.

That's how I do it and have done it since I was 15 years old.

Thank you, Robin.

How does it feel to want?

My friend, Meadow, pointed out to me that when I want something I feel good.  She noted that most people feel crappy when they want.

The difference?

Many people don't believe they can have what they want.

I do.

When I want something-I believe I will someday have it.  Now or later doesn't matter.  I get excited at the prospect of it, so I don't need it right this second to feel great about it.

I want the new iphone
I want a pair of black Jimmy Choo heels I saw at Foot Candy.
I want to go water skiing on Thursday with my friend, Dava.
I want to buy a boat
I want to go on another date with my husband

I want more peace in the world

I want the economy to flourish

I want everyone to feel as proud to be an American as I do.

I want to help more people become free of extra weight and self punishment

I want us all to make even more money and give even more away.

Wanting excites me.

If, when you think about what you want, you feel any negative emotion, my guess is you will never get it.  That is not how the universe works.  You get to want from a place of positive attraction, and then there is nothing that you can't have. 

But when you "get" it doesn't matter, because you already feel that it's yours.

Oh no...not again!

"I can't believe I gained this weight back again."

" I can't believe I ran this credit card up again."

" I can' believe I dated another jerk."

I know better.
I can't get anything right.
I am a failure.
I will NEVER get it.
Something is wrong with me.

Blah Blah Blah

Enough with the drama already.
Aren't you tired of treating yourself like you suck?

I remember doing this to myself over and over and over.
I see my clients do it to themselves.
Listen, you must stop beating yourself up.

The problem is not that you overate or that you gained 70 pounds back.
The problem is not that you overspend or are in credit card debt.

The problem is that you use this as evidence that you aren't worthy or good enough to live the life of your dreams.

Gaining all the weight back that you lost means only one thing...
(and there is no drum roll-there is no drama)

It means you are still trying to get your attention to some of your own self work.
You aren't done with you yet.
You have more to learn about you.
You have more connection to create with your own self.

Running up your credit cards again, when you promised yourself you wouldn't, is just INTERESTING.  It is an opportunity to get to know WHY.  Learn about yourself and why you go unconscious in your own life.

Practice the tools that help you manage your own mind and your own thoughts. Keep practicing.  You might gain the weight back 10 times before you really get the hang of it...

WHO CARES?

Be nice to yourself and give yourself time to go deeper.
Notice those ridiculous and mean thoughts you think.

For a while, your pattern may look like this:

Get the hang of it
See the cool result in your life
Screw it all up completely by checking out
Get the hang of it (again)

You might have to do this 20 times before you realize you haven't screwed it up in years.

But, by that time, you will be screwing up something completely new...

One more opportunity to go deeper into your own self.

Your own life.

Be willing to do it again and again and again.

Do it with understanding and kindness.

Again.

What is supposed to happen...does.

Today, while cleaning my patio with my jet spray hose, I hosed a humming bird nest out of one of our table umbrellas.

I didn't realize what I had done until the mama came and frantically buzzed around my head.  It was horrible. She kept looking for the nest.  I am not sure how many eggs were in there, but I am pretty sure none of them will make it.

An hour later I saw her flying around looking for it again.

This was devastating to me.

My husband, who is adorable, of course told me that it was an accident and that she would lay more eggs.

As I continued to obsess about it, he told me that it was in the past and there was nothing I could do about it now.  He hugged me and held me.  He helped me put the nest back in case she wanted to reuse it.  He talked about it with me endlessly.

I still felt awful.

Hummingbirds are so beautiful and dainty and small.  I felt like a big predator.

So I went to yoga and on the way down I coached myself.  I monitored my thoughts and saw how painful they were.  I reminded myself that worrying about it would not help.  I tried to give myself a break and worked through my self coaching model.

When I got to yoga I felt slightly better.

Then, as we began to breathe deeply, this thought came to me: "What is supposed to happen...does."

That nest was supposed to get sprayed out of the umbrella.
I was the one who was supposed to do it.

How do I know this? 
Because that is exactly what happened.

So, instead of asking myself why this was supposed to happen, I dedicated the rest of my yoga practice to just being in the moment of it having happened.  I breathed it in and accepted it.  I stopped arguing with the past I could not change.

That nest was supposed to be unknowingly destroyed.
There is no use in blaming or hating or fighting or eating over it.
Mama bird was supposed to have that experience.
I was supposed to have this one.
That is what is.

Not all endings are happy.
Not all things turn out so we can feel good.
Sometimes we can't find a "bright side" or the "good news," and maybe we aren't supposed to.

Maybe we can just find peace in the way things are.
I love that mama hummingbird and I didn't even know I loved her.
I didn't know I would feel so much love today...

What is supposed to happen...does.

No need to devour

From Rumi for you:

The Worm's Waking

This is how a human being can change.
There is a worm
addicted to eating grape leaves.

Suddenly, he wakes up,
call it grace, whatever, something
wakes him and he is no longer a worm.

He is the entire vineyard,
and the orchard too, the fruit, the trunks,
a growing wisdom and joy
that does not need to devour.

Relax

You can either make your habits or your habits can make you.  We all seem to know this and yet sometimes we feel as if we can't control our habits.  There are things we seem to do regularly that we don't know how to stop.

When it comes to my weight loss clients, I often tell them if they want to know why they overeat-stop overeating.  As soon as you stop doing the bad habit or taking the negative action, it will be very clear why you do it in the first place.  The first thing you will notice is the feeling that comes up.

When my clients stop overeating they are typically bombarded with negative emotion.  Their knee jerk reaction after years of practice, is to fight the emotion, escape the emotion, or bury the emotion.  Picking up more food is a way to escape the emotion temporarily.  BUT if we are willing-and many of us are- to RELAX INTO THE EMOTION and feel it deeply, we can watch it pass through us.  Eventually, as we get better at experiencing the truth of our emotional state, we can find the thought causing the feeling and change it.

There is no negative emotion that can stand up to an embrace.  Negative emotion is fed by the fight or the habit that compounds it.  If I am feeling lonely and I overeat, I will feel more lonely when the eating is done.  Most likely I will get an added dose of shame and frustration after the food coma passes.

No matter what the unwanted action is you have in your life, you can start to eliminate it by doing this process:

1. Stop taking the action.
2. Notice the desire to "fight" or use "willpower" against the emotion that arises  (you will typically lose this battle)
3. Relax into the underlying emotion and breathe.  Notice the emotion from the witness perspective.
4. Keep relaxing and keep breathing and notice the thoughts that come up
5. Write down the thought
6. Acknowledge that if you want to change the habit, you must change the thought

Permanent change is never made by fighting or intense will-power.  Long term loving change is made when we relax and find the cause.

Growth is not Comfortable

Anyone who has grown spiritually, mentally or physically knows that growth is not found in comfort. 

My yoga teacher, Diane, said this when we were in pyramid pose the other day and it exploded as a concept in my mind.  I had heard this before, but it hit me deeply during this class in a whole new way.  I laughed to myself when I thought about discomfort in my own life.

About 10 years ago when I was starting my first company in Colorado, I was very uncomfortable.  I was having issues with my business partner and some of my employees.  I called my very good friend to whine and cry about how uncomfortable I was.  I will never forget what she said to me.  "This is why I don't do all this crazy stuff you do-like opening businesses, Brooke.  You always end up in these situations where you are struggling.  I choose not to put myself through that."  When she said this to me, I literally felt jealous of her. I thought of her at home not having to deal with the mess of issues I was currently facing.  I questioned my own judgment and my own complicated life.

 Unfortunately, at this time, I did not have the coaching tools I have today.  I was suffering and in tremendous discomfort.  But now, as I look back on that painful time and many many painful times since then, I can only high five myself for putting myself in those uncomfortable situations. I am so proud that I put myself out there in the ways that I did and failed miserably,  sucked terribly, and made countless mistakes with people and with business.  I am no longer jealous of my friend at home in comfort. I see how far I have come, not in spite of the discomfort, but because of it.

As I get older, I notice that those opportunities for discomfort don't just come along as often.   I don't have to try new things or start new schools or be the new employee anymore. I am established in my career and good at what I do and very comfortable in my family and community life. I can see how it might be tempting for me to stay in the comfort and not  "do all the crazy" stuff anymore.  But I know, especially now looking back, how I am a much better, deeper, complete Brooke Castillo because I did.  I want to look back 10 years from now and feel the same way.

 I want to grow as much in the next 10 as I did in the last 10.  In order to do that, I will seek out things that I want and that also make me uncomfortable.  For example, I am always uncomfortable for at least 3 poses on my yoga mat, I am uncomfortable learning how to ski the water ski buoys faster, I am uncomfortable making new friends when I have so many "comfortable" friends already.  But I will continue. I will grow.  I am not done growing.  Are you?

Being Uncool

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is the truth
that we share with one another when we are being uncool."

                                -Line from the movie Almost Famous

These are holy moments, as we come out of hiding and allow ourselves to simply be truthful with another human being, without trying to be cool.

                               - Rolf Gates

Sometimes the truth ain't pretty.

Sometimes I don't like my kids or my husband or myself.
Sometimes I'd rather read than call my friend back.
Sometimes I don't want to go to your party.

I can either please everyone around me by pretending (lying) about what is true for me, or I can tell the truth. 

Many times it is easier to lie. 
Many times I pretend that it's okay that you showed up late.  (it wasn't)
Many times I act happy to hear from you when I really just want to be alone.

I don't tell the truth all the time to you.
Sometimes I call it kindness to lie to you.
It always feels icky.

BUT I do make it a habit of telling myself the truth. Always.
I notice how I feel, what I think and if I believe it.
I notice why I am not telling you the truth, and if the reason is because I want to appear "cool", I try to tell the truth about me to you immediately.

I find the truth does set me free.
I find that showing you who I really am makes our relationship more intimate and honest.
Sometimes my truth ain't pretty, sometimes it makes me seem uncool- and you love me anyway.

It doesn't ever get better than that.

Dave Ramsey

You guys might laugh at my range of mentors who seem so different from each other;  but the truth is, I don't care if you are a channeled entity or a strict Christian, if I love what you are teaching.

Dave Ramsey is my man for financial advice.  I bought his book five years ago and haven't had a credit card since.  I pay cash for everything and do not believe in unsecured debt.  Dave taught me to live a life of financial freedom, and even though his approach is very conservative, my investment portfolio owes him heaps of gratitude.

He recently did a live event called TOWN HALL FOR HOPE that I thoroughly enjoyed listening to.  You can listen it to online for $1.99  I highly recommend, if you are at all afraid due to the economy, you listen to this event.  You may not share his politics, his religion, or even his philosophy, but if you are anything like me you will learn a little something.

Here is the link:  http://www.daveramsey.com/

I would love to know your thoughts. If you buy it and listen, email me.

Drinking

Because of all the work I do with overeating and Self Coaching, I get many emails on drinking alcohol.  I don't work directly with alcohol addiction, but I do have some experience with alcoholics: my father died from alcoholism, my brother died from a cocaine overdose, and my best friend is a recovered alcoholic.  I have been to my fair share of AA and Al-Anon meetings over the years.

I usually tell anyone who is seeking help with drugs or alcohol to find someone directly trained in this area to help them; but I also tell them that I believe EVERYTHING we do, including ingesting too much alcohol, is a result of our thinking.

I found an ex-drinker who agrees with me.  I read his website and really loved what he wrote.  It is very in line with my philosophy for overcoming overeating. He talks about destroying the desire to drink-instead of just struggling against it.  He talks about being your own witness and not a judgmental berater as you go through the process of quiting drinking.  I invite you to check it out if you have a problem with alcohol; but even if you don't, the information can be applied to any "urge" you might be struggling to change.

 Here is a glimpse of Joe Plummer's writing with the link to his site at the end:

When I first started trying to stop drinking, I’d “struggle” and “fight” urges (not really sure of what was causing them) and then I’d eventually throw my hands up in the air and just go full throttle in the opposite direction. “Ah, FUCK IT!...I’m going to get FUCKED UP tonight!!!” This of course was counterproductive on a number of levels. One, it made me totally reckless about how I approached the drinking, and it also had an underlying connotation that carried over: “Why try to stop? You’re just going to drink again…”

 

In the later years, I began taking a more mature approach. First, I stopped accepting it was inevitable that I would “always end up drinking again.” Instead, I leaned more towards believing that I’d eventually “get it right.” (Meaning: The correct perspective, with effort, would eventually become dominant and the old perspective would be weakened to the point of insignificance.)

 

In my less wise past, if I’d gone 30 days without a drink but then drank on day 31, I’d consider that a total negation of everything I’d achieved. –This is clearly an exaggerated and counterproductive conclusion. My healthier perspective was more likely to see it as “New Joe: 30, old Joe: 1.” Not only was this a more accurate way of viewing the situation, it was far more productive. I didn’t beat myself up needlessly – I didn’t falsely allow myself to believe that “one day drunk” could somehow take away the 30 days that I hadn’t drank. It couldn’t and it didn’t. I was still “30 days ahead of the game” and those 30 days would always be mine.

 

–I’m not certain, but I’d bet it was after a night of drinking that the following statement popped in my head: “As long as you learn from your mistakes, then what you’ve done was not a waste.” All I know is I wrote it down and have reminded myself of it often. You should too. Learn to view your experiences in a way that will HELP instead of harm you. Learn to take whatever value you can and apply it toward what you want to achieve.   

http://www.stopdrinking.com/overview.html